8 Guiding Principles Revised for All Relationships Can Heal

I’ve modified my 8 Guiding Principles just a little bit for this course and my 4th book, All Relationships Can Heal, because we’re talking about ALL relationships.


Principle #1-  All behavior is a communication. Behavior is about how you’re feeling about yourself, what’s happening with your body, brain, and nervous system, and you’re going to act out of the place.  It may or may not be conscious. It may or may not have anything to do with anyone else. It’s what belongs to you and you are communicating sometimes without saying a word, through body language, facial expressions, sounds made. 

At the same time, behavior can be a communication about the state of the relationship. If there is a connection in a relationship, you’ll see behaviors of connection- eye contact, touch, tone of voice that is friendly. This is communication that your relationship is in a connected place. If there is a disconnection, you’ll see behaviors showing that- lack of eye contact, avoidance, not talking, harsher tone of voice and volume. Our relationships live in the space between us. How does it feel when you think about the space between you and another person?

This is true regardless of age. A parent and baby can be connected or disconnected. A couple can be connected or disconnected. A parent and older child can be connected or disconnected. It will look different in each situation, but if you’re paying attention, you can begin to see the communication of the behavior.

We tend to judge behaviors as right or wrong. What happens when we begin to shift to recognizing the communication of the behaviors and ask, “Is this a behavior from someone who is connected or disconnected from our relationship? Is this behavior about me or about what’s going on for them? What does it bring up for me? What’s the story I’m telling about this behavior?”



Principle #2-  Nothing is more important than the relationship. The relationship we have with others is more important than anything else. Parents-child relationships are often filled with well-intentioned discipline that misses the point of the behavior. When someone has something going on and their behavior is reflecting that, when the need has been met (like the child acting crazy because he’s hungry and blood sugar has dropped), the child can be taught how to recognize those body symptoms and communicate that food is needed before the behavior spirals out of control. When we recognize the need underlying the behavior, we can meet that need, in this case for food, and then we can teach while staying in connection. (“Wow! You were so hungry! I wonder what it felt like in your body when you were just starting to feel hungry? Do you remember? I get hungry like that, too, sometimes and I get hangry. I always feel better when I eat something good for my body. How did you feel after you ate something? Better?) 

When we make the behavioral intervention, consequence, or punishment more important than the relationship, we miss out on our opportunities to connect. And we need to understand that connection, from a physiological standpoint is paramount. We are designed to be in relationship. When something threatens our relationship, we are in survival. When we are in survival, we’re not thriving and we cannot learn new behaviors other than avoidance and self-protection. It doesn’t mean that we don’t correct or teach our children. It means that we do it in a way that maintains the connection in our relationship so that they can effectively learn those new behaviors.

These patterns of punishment, consequences, withdraw of love, etc. are repeated in our adult relationships. When someone doesn’t do what we want them to do, we’re likely to withdraw our love, or react to a behavior we don’t like or that scares us with something other than connection. We can unlearn these patterns when we start to realize that behaviors are a communication and there’s nothing more important than our relationships. Nothing.

Healing happens within ourselves and between our relationships when we start to get it and start to see our own patterns of what was done to us and what we have done in our own intimate relationships.

Principle #3-  We develop neurosequentially. Our brains develop from back to front (most primitive to most developed) both in utero and after birth, with development of our brains being completed between the age of 24 and 27 depending on who you talk to and if you’re male or female. When our needs for connection are met at younger ages, our brain forms with more emphasis on the emotional brain and the thinking brain. Basically it means that our brains are wired for connection. When we have a lot of adversity and less connection for whatever reason, our brains are going to be more predominately wired for survival (fight, flight or freeze). We are more likely to see someone else’s behavior as a threat and respond accordingly. Others will react accordingly and we create patterns based on those responses. 

When our most basic needs are met for safety and connection, the earlier developmental needs will go away. The need for connection never goes away and we never stop trying to connect. And we can change our brains and complete earlier development later if it was missed at the appropriate time. We may try to get those needs met as children, as teens, or as adults in our intimate relationships. A lot of our behaviors can be understood in a different light when we look at this neurosequential development and early unmet needs. The most important thing about this is that this can change and needs can be met and we can learn new ways of relating to meet those needs. Regressions are often a way of getting an earlier need met and even adults have regressions. Ask, “What is coming up to be healed with this behavior?”

Principle #4.  Behaviors occur on a continuum. Behaviors in children and adults correlate to the parents’ own neurodevelopment and attachment status. On one end of the continuum, you’ve got people who are very calm, flexible, relatable, empathetic, and easy to connect with. On the other end of the continuum, you’ve got people who are rigid, cold, lacking empathy, and difficult to connect with. The people who are easier to connect with have either had most of their early needs met (and were likely “easier” babies and children) and/or they’ve done their healing work. The people who are more difficult to connect with have often had difficult experiences without enough support, either starting with difficult experiences in the womb, at birth, or in early life, or experienced trauma and either didn’t have support or didn’t have adequate support to heal in relationship. Most people aren’t at either extreme, but somewhere in the middle.

The behaviors we see from adults and children isn’t just, “This is how a 10 year old or a 40 year old should behave,” but is a complex communication of previous experiences, unmet needs, met needs, attempts to connect and heal, and the relationship patterns we had when we were growing up. We will repeat them unconsciously without realizing it unless we bring it into consciousness. 

Patterns of behavior actually begin in the womb as imprints on our nervous system. Other experiences, including birth and early life, have an impact on our behavioral patterns. We will repeat these patterns and they become our habits, for better or worse. When we begin to understand that behaviors are more complex than just learning to do something different, we can have more compassion and space for one another and our journey to wholeness. Our behaviors give us clues about our earlier experiences and we can work on them in present time with other willing people.

One person may have learned that relationships are dangerous and anytime someone tries to get close, they become very defensive and may attack. Another person may have learned that others are safe and when they have a challenge, they reach out for help and support. Others will avoid feelings or certain topics and pretend there isn’t anything wrong, while some are very anxious and will cling in a relationships. These are all examples of unmet and met needs and how those patterns show up for all of us later.

What do you notice about your own patterns? What do you do when you’re feeling stressed or having some big feelings? What do you do? Do you move towards others or away?




Principle 5-  Interpretation of behaviors comes from both conscious and subconscious places and those interpretations become part of our relationship dance- of connection or disconnection. We make up stories about what’s happening in our life and in our relationships. The story may or may not be accurate. And there’s another story that’s happening in our bodies, the story in our cells, in our nervous system, the patterns of what we’ve been through and how we’ve learned to survive in difficult situations.  We see other’s behaviors through this lens and others see us through their own lens, too. Yes, even babies and very young children.

And this becomes our dance. Sometimes it is beautiful and graceful. Sometimes it is the kind of dance where we’re stepping on each other’s toes repeatedly (perhaps even stomping). And this communication happens with a furrowed brow, with a slightly raised tone of voice, with a slight turning away. When communication gets loud, it’s because the earlier communications have been missed. 

We can learn to see these unconscious patterns and interpretations and begin to see our loved ones with different eyes, and even understand our own behaviors in a new way.

Principle #6- All individuals have a right and responsibility to learn to express their feelings appropriately. Feelings allow us to connect to our internal guidance system.

We all need to learn how to handle our feelings, how to express what is going on inside of us, and communicate it to someone else without hurting ourselves or anyone else. Many of us have learned unhealthy patterns of expressing (or not expressing) feelings. We need to learn how to do that if we haven’t learned it already. Our loved ones may not know how to do it, either. That may be because they are children and they’re learning or with someone who is older who was taught that feelings aren’t ok or that inappropriate expressions are ok. 

Feelings are normal and healthy. They help us know when something isn’t right and when things are good. And feelings are a huge part of healing our relationships. We connect with each other in the healing space through our feelings, not just our heads and thoughts. When we can align our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, and integrate our experiences with one another, healing happens.

What do you think of when you think of feelings and appropriate expression? Do you hold your feelings back in certain situations or with certain people? Why? 

Principle #7-  Boundaries are an important part of life and healthy relationships. We can set appropriate limits with others while still respecting their needs and feelings- if we are aware of ourselves. This is true of parents and children, couples, and every relationships we have. Boundaries are critical for healthy relationships. When something isn’t safe or doesn’t feel safe to us, we need a boundary. Just as we wouldn’t let a child play in a busy street, we need to be able to say to others that something isn’t ok with us. Boundaries can be anything from, “I need a minute to think about what you just said” to “I can’t spend time with you anymore.” Different situations require different kinds of boundaries and it is also a critical part of healing relationships with both children and other adults. 

Principle #8- No person is an island. We need to create communities of support for ourselves and our children. We need to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of our children.

Self-care really needs to be first rather than last in this long list of important things, so we’re actually going to be spending quite a bit of time on this idea FIRST. It is most critically important when you have a relationships that needs to be healed. We must take care of ourselves. We must do what we need to do to create a space where healing can happen for us. Where we can understand the story in our body, our brain, and our nervous system. Where we can have space to begin to see the story of someone else in a new light. 

And we also need others to support us. We can’t do this healing work alone. We’re social creatures and we need one another. We need others to see, hear, and feel our experiences with us so we can heal those tender spaces. We’ll be creating this space together in our Healing Story Circles and in our Facebook group as we learn to listen to one another and cultivate the skills we need to heal ourselves and our relationships.

What do you do to take care of yourself? Who is part of your community of support? We’re going to be looking deeply at these questions in the coming weeks, but just begin to think about it now. Thanks for watching, reading or listening! See you in the next video!




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