Red light is really misunderstood. We look at red from the outside and we think it looks crazy. This is where we might be yelling, arguing, but not necessarily making much sense. We also might have a sudden and very strong urge to walk out of the room. Or we might be unable to speak, even if our brains are full of words. Red light is our survival brain. It’s especially important when we have an actual threat in our environment, like an alligator on our doorstep. The survival brain overrides our thinking brain and we have an automatic reaction. In the case of the alligator, we might open the door and immediately slam it shut all before we register what we actually saw, that it was a dangerous thing- an alligator on our doorstep- and that it wouldn’t be in our best interests to leave the door open, to freeze, or to try to run past it. 

When our red light survival brains are activated, we have no neural activity happening in our thinking brains. This is not the time to have a conversation, to problem solve, to figure out your fitness plan, or to explain something to someone else. You’re not really going to be taking in the words at that time. On red, we’re able to process tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Our amygdalas are on high alert, looking for more threat. This is great when we’re in a dangerous situation in nature, but less helpful when the “threat” is your toddler or your partner, unless it is a domestic violence situation. Red’s job is to keep us alive, but it isn’t smart in a thinking kind of way. We lose access to about 50 IQ points, leaving us with the intellectual capacity to keep breathing, to divert energy from our digestive system and other non-critical bodily functions, to run or fight if we need to, but not much else. Our bodies are flooded with stress hormones and those need to go somewhere that doesn’t hurt ourselves or anyone else.

When you or someone you love is on red, it’s time to stop. Stop talking. Find a way to move your body, to move the energy, to regulate yourself through connection with someone else, then to help someone else to regulate. This isn’t about a lot of talking to try to fix it, explain it, or make things better, but it may be joining in the energy of the person expressing. It may be grabbing your kids’ hand (gently) and just starting to run with them. It may be finding a way to be curious about what’s happening for the other person or for yourself. You may notice your body is tight, your breathing has changed, your face is flushed or pale. Begin to become familiar with your own patterns and what it looks like when you’re on red. And how long does it last? What helps you to move out of it? What about your kids?